


The Panel

by screamlet



Category: Actor RPF, Star Trek RPF
Genre: Banter, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-22
Updated: 2010-01-22
Packaged: 2017-10-06 14:00:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/54427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screamlet/pseuds/screamlet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris and Zach and Bill and Leonard do a panel at a convention; ridiculousness ensues; mostly an exercise in banter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Panel

**Author's Note:**

> Mostly [obstinatrix](http://obstinatrix.livejournal.com/)'s fault! Somehow!

Just off stage through a monitor, Chris and Zach stared at the crowd waiting for them.

"Leonard said there's usually an overflow room," Zach said. "And people waiting to get _into_ the overflow room. Chris, this is kind of huge."

"That's what she said," Chris replied automatically. "We're going to be fine. What's the wor --"

"Don't _ask_ that! Don't even _think_ that!" Zach hissed. "Why did they _do_ this to us on the first _day_? How is that _fair_?"

"It's going to be okay, come on, we'll be fine." Chris put an arm around Zach's shoulders and squeezed. "Seriously, we just sit out there, let them bullshit, answer questions, and then we're done. It's all autograph tables and Nimoy-and-Shatner-free panels from here on in. It's really -- it's _good_ we're getting it over with now."

"Where the hell are they anyway?" Zach asked. "I'm pretty sure --"

Steve the panel organizer ran up to them and covered the mouthpiece on his headset. "Bill and Leonard are on the _other side_ and wondering where the hell you are! You're late!"

"_They're_ late!" Chris replied.

Steve muttered into his mouthpiece and sighed deeply, then covered it again. "Okay, Bill's walking out first, so when you see him, step out, okay? Zach, just follow Chris. The table's labeled with your names."

"We've _been_ to panels bef --"

"There's Shatner, okay, go!"

Chris stepped out on stage to more energy and applause than he had _ever_ experienced before. _Ever_. He thought he could hear screaming from the overflow room, but he couldn't be sure; all he was aware of was the wall of sound hitting him face on and how he had mostly frozen on stage. He tested out a half-wave and received even more screaming in return. He turned around and saw Zach stepping up next to him. "Holy shit," Chris said as Zach reached him. Chris put a hand on the small of his back and grinned when Zach put an arm around his waist.

"Uh, _yeah_," Zach replied. "Come on, table."

They turned around and saw Leonard taking a seat at the end of the table, and Bill standing there, arms crossed over his chest, glaring at a place card and at the audience. The audience stopped screaming and laughed.

"Leonard," Bill said.

"What."

"Leonard, who's sitting next to you?"

"Well, you're _hovering_, and I think Zach and Chris are _orbiting_ \--"

"_Leonard_," Bill repeated. "Whose _place card_ is next to yours?"

Chris watched Leonard lean forward, pick it up, examine it, and shove it in Bill's face (or as far as he could, considering he was sitting). "_Zachary Quinto_, Bill, it says _Zachary Quinto_, and maybe you'd like to give _Zachary Quinto_ a chance to sit down?"

There was cheering for Zach's name and Chris was barely registering anything aside from the insane amount of _power_ something like Zach's _name_ had on this many people.

"_No_, Leonard," Bill said. "You are _not_ sitting next to Zachary Quinto --" At that, Bill turned around and acknowledged Chris and Zach. "It's nothing against _you_ Zach, but -- well, this has never _come up_ before. It's just _understood_ \-- Leonard and I do a panel, Leonard and I sit next to each other. Leonard and I go for a drive, Leonard and I sit next to each other. Leonard and I see a movie --"

"_Bill_," Leonard interrupted, "I think _rocks_ on _Mars_ get the point, now would you sit down --"

"Next to you," Bill clarified.

"Next to _me_ and let these boys sit where ever they damn well please?"

"Thank you, Leonard, I would _love_ to." Bill pulled a chair out and eased into it, put his forearms on the arms of the chair, and spun side to side for a moment until he whirled on Leonard. "Leonard, why didn't they want us sitting next to each other?"

Chris and Zach took that as their chance to sit down in the first chairs they reached -- Zach ended up next to Bill and Chris at the other end of the table. He turned his seat towards the conversation and pushed back a bit so he could see everyone talking to each other -- or Bill talking at everyone.

"Well, here we all are, Kirks and Spocks together for the first time," Bill said. Chris blinked slowly and smiled because he was sure the roar from the darkened auditorium had scarred his ear canal. "Now, we have a lot to talk about, and we're going to take some questions, too, I'm sure, but first _I_ have a question. It's for Zach."

"Oh," Zach said with some surprise, and looked to Chris quickly with raised eyebrows before he turned back to Bill. "Sure, ask away."

"Okay, good," Bill said. "Because I've been curious about this for a _long_ time. You and Leonard have lunch sometimes, I know, and he tells me about you, what a good kid you are, so intelligent, such a good actor, all of that, but there's one question _he_ can't ask that _I_ have to."

"That preface isn't terrifying," Zach deadpanned. "Not in the slightest."

Bill laughed and grabbed his shoulder, then leaned in a little. Chris could see Zach's shoulders tense up, so Chris laughed and then rubbed his back momentarily in a calming motion.

"Now. Here's my question -- do you have some kind of -- morning blindness, I guess -- that stops you from seeing what you're putting on every day, or are these outfits I see you in _deliberate_?"

Chris snorted too hard and began to cough and choke, turning away from the table to recover while laughter completely filled his ears. He looked back at Zach, whose entire neck was red up to the backs of his ears and he could see the cringing and laughing going on.

Then, suddenly, Shatner's eyes were on him.

"And _you_," Bill said. He let go of Zach and pointed over his shoulder at Chris, who felt everything suddenly go cold. "You're his _Kirk_. You can't let him leave the house _dressed like that_, in those horrible hats and --"

"Wait a second. _Wait a second_," Leonard interrupted. "I'm -- Billy, we're not as young as we used to be, we can't deny that. We don't know what's hip for kids to wear, and Zach had told _me_ that _Chris_ was the badly dressed one."

"What?" Chris asked with mock hurt. Zach turned in his chair and put an arm around him, shaking his head sadly and muttering something like 'delusional' into his microphone.

"_Leonard_!" Bill shrieked. "Do you need _thicker_ glasses or should I just get you _snow globes_ with little legs on them for your face?! Zach, please, stand up and let's see what you're wearing."

"Bill --" Leonard protested, but Chris nudged Zach into standing anyway. Zach sighed and stood up, then walked around to the front of the table where he was cheered and catcalled for a full minute.

"Let's examine this specimen, _Zachary Quinto_," Bill said. "Zachary is currently wearing boots stolen off a veteran from the Korean War, white jeans tailored specially for a rare species of praying mantis, an orange life preserver from the vintage _Titanic_ collection, a _blue_ plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up, a _white_ long-sleeved shirt, and a straw hat borrowed from _General Batista_."

"And I look _hot_," Zach replied. Chris gave a thumbs up and grinned when he returned to the table.

"That's what _Leonard_ thought," Bill said. "And I thought, well fine, it's the seventies, we all look a little horrible."

"I. Looked. Great," Leonard assured the room.

"_Leonard_." Bill sighed deeply and looked to Chris and Zach. "He just. He doesn't remember. It's his mind, poor thing, gone where --"

"Make that joke, and I will _choke you_," Leonard warned.

"Is that a Spock thing now?" Bill asked. "_I_ don't remember you ever choking me, Leonard."

"Not in public."

Bill laughed and added, "Not that there weren't _requests_." Bill sipped from his bottle of water and continued. "But I'm _saying_, Leonard, you took a bad decade and made it worse, and you went through phases! You had -- what was it -- the plaid phase, and the turtleneck phase, and the 'look at me I'm a sensitive poet and I have turtlenecks' phase --"

"Two distinct turtleneck phases?" Chris asked.

"That's two turtleneck phases too many," Bill said. He leaned over and grabbed Leonard's arm, continuing on his list. "And then there were the _patterns_, I mean, _goodness_ \--"

"You're talking to me about patterns? I distinctly remember, it couldn't have been more than twenty years ago when _you knew better_ \-- and you showed up to some thing or another in a _floral shirt_." Chris watched Bill consider it and edge closer to Leonard, who didn't seem to mind. "It was pastel blue, and had pink flowers, and was _horrible_. I _died_ that day, Bill, so don't you tell _me_ that I have bad taste in fashion."

Bill nodded slowly, then edged away and looked Leonard full in the face.

"_One shirt_ doesn't make up for _everything you've worn_. But we digress!"

"Uh, yeah, a little," Zach laughed awkwardly.

"_Chris_," Bill said emphatically, "Why are you letting Zach walk around like that? If only -- my wife has my phone with photos on them -- I always make sure to carry the worst of Leonard's outfits on my phone with me because you," He spun around back to Leonard again, "Big shot, respectable photographer, no one _wants_ to remember that the combined width of your lapels was wide enough to build a hotel on --"

Leonard sighed deeply and looked off into the audience as if he wasn't listening. Chris raised his eyebrows and nudged Zach, who turned to shrug at him and grin a little. Chris, at least, could support a panel where he received all the ego-stroking for none of the work.

"Bill, we've been here who knows how long and you've done nothing but criticize us Spocks -- even though it's always been _Spock_ that was considered the sex symbol -- I'm right, Zach, aren't I?"

Zach opened his mouth, and Bill replied, "I was a _golden god_, Leonard, don't give me your spiel about pointy-eared exoticism."

Leonard sighed again and laid a hand on Bill's shoulder. "Who said you weren't? I think you were very handsome then, and continue to be extremely good looking."

"That just happened, right?" Chris asked in an undertone that a few people caught and laughed at.

"Oh, Leonard," Bill almost cooed. "Should we get some questions for the boys? I think we've talked enough."

"_You've_ talked enough; I think the rest of humanity would appreciate getting a word in edgewise at some point."

"So let's take some questions!" Bill sat back in his chair and turned to face Zach and Chris, which Chris took as a sign that _they_ should take some questions. Or whatever.

Except the room was fucking packed so questions came from all corners of the auditorium, Bill made more hearing aid jokes at Leonard's expense, and Chris was very sure Bill was stroking Leonard's arm under the table and Leonard's thumb was running over Bill's thigh, but he wasn't _sure_ sure, so he would ignore it. (He was sure, and he was sure he was ignoring it.)

"This is for Zach and Chris -- what do you want to see most in the next movie?"

"Hmm," Zach said.

"_Hmm_," Chris echoed.

"Not Khan," Zach said, and then he looked at Chris. "Is it cool of me to say that? I don't know, I just -- that's like, the greatest movie of all time. We _can't_ do Khan better, and I don't want to try."

"We don't know anything about the next movie's story at all," Chris said, "But as for a wishlist -- uh, we've got nothing, really, as long as we're both in it and it's about our friendship. That's really at the heart of it, I think, especially when we're working with the, uh --"

"You watched _Wrath of Khan_?" Bill interrupted, and Chris looked over because of the astonishment he heard in his voice.

"Yeah, we watched it once everyone was talking about how the next movie should have Khan and -- have we said Khan enough?"

"We Khan probably --" Zach began, but was interrupted by Leonard.

"Zach, don't. Please don't. I respect you too much. Don't sink to punning."

"But what did you think of it?" Bill asked. "I only _ask_ because all of you made such a wonderful point of not being fans of the original Trek when your movie came out, so now -- you're not the only ones going back to see what's come before."

"Oh, we totally cried," Zach said. "I think we made a pact to secrecy about it, but we're all friends here so -- cried, cried, cried. I know you guys were _in_ the movie, but watching it -- did you cry?"

"I very distinctly recall," Leonard said, "How -- well, we could barely _get_ through the scene to begin with -- I focused on -- on the physical things I had to do, fixing the mechanism, moving around, but then there was that moment of truth at the glass, when I _couldn't_ avoid thinking about the implications of what we were doing."

"Oh my God, seriously, we would be the luckiest people ever if we could get a scene at the glass that was just _that_ intense and _heartbreaking_," Zach said. He turned back to Chris and asked, "I think you should start practicing that someone-murdered-my-dog face _now_ so when I have to die in like, ten or fifteen years, we might have a _chance_ of breaking hearts and taking names."

Chris leaned forward on the table towards the audience, licked his lips, and gave his best shot at the Shatnerian my-world-has-ended face, which got a pretty good _awww_ out of it.

"Chris you can't just -- _no_," Bill said. "No, you have to _sit down_ in front of Zach -- and it would help if you've _known him_ for -- oh, gosh, Leonard, how many years was it then?"

"Eleven? Twelve? It was twelve years," Leonard said.

"Your _best friend_ has just given his life for you and five hundred other people, and is dying in front of you, and there's _nothing_ you can do." Bill sighed and waved a hand. "I'm not a method actor, not in the slightest, but -- but that was _different_. It was one of those moments when you can't help but be faced with the very real eventuality that -- well, that one of the people you love most in the world will, one day, _die_. And even though it's science fiction, and even though he came back to life in the next movie -- _we_ don't get that."

Chris and Zach had been watching intently as Bill spoke, and noticed Leonard's hand tightening over Bill's arm under the table, now stroking it reassuringly. Chris felt the impulse to do the same -- Zach had his lips pressed together, and he could see his eyes darting around, and he just _looked_ like he needed it. Chris leaned forward to look across Zach at Bill and rested a hand on Zach's back as he spoke.

"Eloquent as hell, but what a _downer_," Chris informed him.

"_Tell me about it_," Bill replied, and then he turned to Leonard. "Is this why people don't invite me anywhere?"

"So many reasons, Billy," Leonard sighed. "Should we take another question or do the boys have more on their movie wishlist?"

"I have something on my wishlist!" Bill said.

"Of course you do," Leonard said. "Even if it's _not your movie_."

"I want _us_ to have our own, I don't know, miniseries or something," Bill said, "Where you -- Spock -- come back in time, get me before I die, and we ride off into the sunset forever and if Kirk or Spock die, I don't want to hear about it."

"I second that," Zach said.

"Third," Chris added.

"You're never going to get your hair as curly as it was twenty years ago, Bill," Leonard informed him. "It might work as a graphic novel, though."

"You ruin _all_ my fun, _always_," Bill protested.

"I'm being realistic here! I'd be thrilled if your hair suddenly --"

"This question's for Zach," a voice called out over the speakers. "When you started out, did you ever think you would -- that you would become a sci-fi legend like this?"

"Well," Zach said. His eyes darted to Chris and he laughed. "I think -- no, I didn't. _Star Trek_ has been --"

Zach talked about a whole lot of shit -- it was his way. _'Trek' has been such a gift, I'm so privileged, I wanted it when I heard about it but never dreamed, I choose my parts very carefully_ \-- it had taken Chris years, but he knew Zach's work ethic was closer to Priceline-Bill's than anyone else's. If it paid, he would take it, and no one else would ever hear about those early years because the Zach of _Lizzie McGuire_, _CSI_, and _Touched by an Angel_ wasn't the closely guarded and choosy actor-producer on stage with Chris and Leonard and Bill. That early Zach knew what not-working felt like, and moving in with his brother because two jobs a year and the obligatory waiter gig did _not_ pay for an apartment (not even a fourth of one), and telling Mom that everything was going great and California was fantastic, and giving himself a final cut off date before he left his agent and thought about what else he might be good at. He'd only told Chris, one night in a hotel room, about how his first thought when J.J. hired him as Spock was the money -- he'd be okay forever. Even if it tanked and he wasn't disgustingly rich, he'd be _okay_ and damn, for an overachieving perfectionist, Zach was really good at taking what he could get and not asking for more.

"Hi, everyone -- I have a question for Bill and Leonard?"

"Well _finally_," Bill sighed.

"It's about Chris and Zach."

"Ha!" Leonard laughed before he put a hand on the back of Bill's neck, still laughing.

"Well, one of the things that made the original series and the first six movies so _special_ was your friendship, and how that really -- shone, I guess, in the work you did together. Do you think the same will hold true for Chris and Zach?"

"Oh, well," Bill said. Chris raised his eyebrows and, yeah, Bill was _thinking_ \-- thinking _before_ speaking.

"What a strange question," Leonard said. "I didn't -- it didn't even occur --"

"Of course it did, Leonard," Bill said. "You _never_ once looked at me and said, 'you know, if it were a cactus, I could still do a good job'?"

"A _cactus_? Where do you think we're from?"

"I'm _serious_!"

"Boy, what did we get ourselves into," Leonard sighed with a look to Zach. "I'm not saying I'd rather act to a cactus, I'm _saying_ that -- this girl who asked is obviously _young_."

"So? What's that got to do anything? Are you an _ageist_?"

"You're the oldest person on stage!"

"And I _love_ the young!"

"Let's -- let's not go there," Leonard said. "What I mean is that she doesn't remember what the magazines said about us the whole time we were actually making _Star Trek_, and how apparently I hated you, and you hated me, and everyone hated you, and all that nonsense, but _now_ everyone believes us that we love each other, and have all this time, and how you've been my best friend, and I've been your _only_ friend, all these years." Leonard paused to let the crowd laugh briefly and added, "So I guess it's irrelevant. These boys'll make us believe they're best friends on a screen, and it shouldn't matter what happens off that screen."

"And then you get to be _our age_," Bill announced. He turned around in his chair and put a hand firmly on Zach's back. "And you stop giving a damn. And that's when the fun begins."

*

An eternity later, they all left the stage in an orderly fashion, took off their microphones and earpieces, and looked at each other carefully. Bill walked over to Chris and put an arm around his shoulders. "So that's what we used to call _stage presence_."

Chris pursed his lips and nodded, a little offended because hello, he _knew_ that, but it was Shatner so he should probably not say as much. "So can I buy all of us some lunch?"

"You mean since you got away with _not talking_ for forty-five minutes?" Zach asked. "Yeah, you can buy me lunch -- you owe me. A lot."

"Poor Zach," Leonard said. "Chris, what are you gonna do when it's just the two of you out there? It's going to happen, and you might not even have a moderator leading the discussion -- _or_ Bill. What then?"

"Stage presence," Bill repeated. "Get that, it'll take care of the rest."

"I want something greasy and dead and bloody that will make me hate myself at yoga on Tuesday," Zach announced.

"I knew it, Leonard," Bill said. "He wants me."

"That didn't even make sense _and_ it was disgusting."

They pushed some doors open and were on the convention's main floor, momentarily lost in the crowd of Klingons, Time Lords, Cylons, characters from _The Big Bang Theory_ dressed as all those things, and Chris took a moment to bask in the complete surreality of his life before an organizer quickly led them to an elevator.


End file.
